{"id":2409,"date":"2026-06-09T05:02:16","date_gmt":"2026-06-09T12:02:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/losangelesmovinginsider.com\/index.php\/2026\/06\/09\/my-husband-refuses-to-see-a-doctor-what-should-i-do\/"},"modified":"2026-06-09T05:02:16","modified_gmt":"2026-06-09T12:02:16","slug":"my-husband-refuses-to-see-a-doctor-what-should-i-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/losangelesmovinginsider.com\/index.php\/2026\/06\/09\/my-husband-refuses-to-see-a-doctor-what-should-i-do\/","title":{"rendered":"My husband refuses to see a doctor. What should I do?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n

By Lori Gottlieb<\/p>\n

For The New York Times<\/p>\n

My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We married later in life and are heading into our 60s. For reasons he cannot articulate to me, my husband refuses to see a doctor or dentist. In two separate incidents in which he displayed physical signs of something wrong and I suggested he see a doctor, he brushed it off or got mad at me for bringing it up. Both times he was hospitalized for serious illnesses and was out of work for some time afterward.<\/p>\n

Read more Trump says pilots are fine after US helicopter crashes near Strait of Hormuz<\/a><\/p>\n

I pay for our insurance through my job, so we\u2019ve been very lucky both times that it has not financially ruined us. But it is ruining the way I feel about both him and our relationship.<\/p>\n

As we near retirement, which is about seven years off, I am feeling resentful about this lack of self-care, along with the fact that the only one saving for retirement is me. I am concerned that if my husband continues to neglect himself, I will end up spending my retirement and our retirement funds on taking care of him when his health fails.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve had conversations about this over the years, but nothing is changing. He\u2019s a great person on all other fronts, but he\u2019s putting both of us in a precarious situation. It\u2019s getting to the point where I am resentful and feel he\u2019s a liability rather than a partner.<\/p>\n

Any advice on how to proceed or what to say?<\/p>\n

When you describe your husband as \u201ca great person on all other fronts,\u201d I hear how much you want to hold on to what\u2019s good between you. But I also wonder if that framing is part of what\u2019s keeping you stuck.<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

Everything you\u2019re worried about \u2014 his refusal to take care of his health, his pattern of avoiding doctors even after serious consequences, his opting out of responsibility for your financial future \u2014 isn\u2019t a side issue to \u201call other fronts.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s the main front.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a bit like saying your meal is delicious, except for the part with the salmonella. The food might be appealing, but it isn\u2019t safe.<\/p>\n

Safety isn\u2019t a bonus feature in a long-term partnership. It\u2019s the foundation. And as with other forms of nourishment, when that foundation is compromised, the question isn\u2019t how good the rest of the meal tastes. The question is: Can you live on it?<\/p>\n

\n<\/div>\n

It sounds like the answer you\u2019re arriving at is no. Your husband isn\u2019t only neglecting his own well-being; he\u2019s also neglecting yours. He\u2019s refusing to see that when something in a relationship has shared consequences, it\u2019s no longer just a personal decision.<\/p>\n

You say that you\u2019ve had conversations about this for years with no change, and I wonder what those have sounded like. Are you making demands of him (\u201cYou need to get a checkup! Why won\u2019t you go?\u201d) or are you sharing something about your relationship (\u201cThe choices you\u2019re making are significantly affecting how I feel about our life together\u201d)?<\/p>\n

Read more US carriers spent $6.5B on fuel in April; global profit forecast is cut nearly in half<\/a><\/p>\n

Ask yourself, have I clearly communicated the following to him:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe way you\u2019re living your life makes me feel like I\u2019m planning a future alone. I worry that you\u2019ll die early or become less healthy in ways that will limit our enjoyment of these years together. I\u2019m concerned that you\u2019re jeopardizing the retirement I imagined for us, which makes me feel so resentful that it\u2019s changing the way I feel about you and us. I need you to join me in creating a more secure partnership. If you don\u2019t know why you\u2019re so reluctant to take better care of your health and our finances, are you willing to take steps to find out for the sake of our marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve said all of this and he hasn\u2019t been responsive, pay attention to that message. When someone hears you clearly and still doesn\u2019t seem open to change, they\u2019re essentially telling you: Despite the damage I\u2019m causing,<\/em> this is how I\u2019m choosing to live.<\/em><\/p>\n

Most people don\u2019t change behaviors they\u2019re clinging to because they\u2019ve been given a reasoned argument. They change when something creates more discomfort than staying the same. For him, that threshold hasn\u2019t been crossed. But for you, it has.<\/p>\n

So, let\u2019s shift your question from \u201cHow do I get him to take care of himself and our future?\u201d to \u201cSince he won\u2019t, what do I want to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

First, you can stop organizing your life around the hope that he\u2019ll change and start making some choices of your own. That might involve talking to a financial planner or attorney about how to separate and safeguard your retirement assets so his choices don\u2019t determine your security. You can clarify with him what you are and aren\u2019t willing to take on in terms of caregiving, financial support and crisis management that stem from his self-destructive behaviors.<\/p>\n

You can remove yourself from what has become a parent-child dynamic \u2014 stepping back from pushing and rescuing so that he can experience the consequences of the decisions he makes. You can seek out therapy or other support to help manage the anxiety and resentment this situation understandably brings up, especially if he won\u2019t participate in counseling with you.<\/p>\n

And you\u2019ll need to reflect honestly on what you can live with long term if you\u2019re with a spouse who isn\u2019t taking action to respond to a significant issue between you, because love and compatibility aren\u2019t the same thing. Maybe you\u2019ll stay in each other\u2019s lives in a context other than marriage. Or maybe you\u2019ll make peace with his choices by protecting yourself as much as possible and letting go of the hope that he\u2019ll be different.<\/p>\n

When people are first dating and hoping their partner will change in a certain way, I often say, \u201cDate reality, not potential.\u201d This advice also applies in a 20-year relationship. You can\u2019t make your husband choose differently, but you can decide how you want to build your future around a choice he\u2019s already made.<\/p>\n

Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and best-selling author of a memoir about her work as a therapist.<\/em><\/p>\n

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Ask the therapist: My husband refuses to see a doctor. What should I do? Here’s what to consider if you can’t count on spouse to look after himself, or your financial future.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2408,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2409","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health"],"yoast_head":"\nMy husband refuses to see a doctor. 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